Years ago, someone said some really hurtful things to me.
No, not just hurtful things…he said things that devastated me.
In a very purposeful way, he said things that cut right down to my core.
The words he spoke could never be taken back…and these awful words would continue to echo in my head for years to come, poisoning my spirit and body along the way.
At the time, I had just had my second baby and I might have had a touch of post-partum depression –regardless of what was going on, I just wasn’t in a very high vibrational place. So, when he said these things to me, I felt myself falling into a deep hole. I wasn’t sure how to climb out of it…I didn’t see any possible solutions. So I just sat in my hole and cried.
I cried because I had accepted those awful words as my reality. I accepted them as my truth. What he said about me must be true, right?
I thought that others must be thinking the same thing about me, and if everyone is thinking it…then it’s totally true, right?
This was all because, at the time, my core belief was, what others think about me must be true.
Oh, boy…I was wrong about that!
When I began my spiritual journey, I really didn’t know I was beginning my journey.
I just all of a sudden had the word “forgive” playing over and over inside my mind.
I would think….”Forgive? Forgive who? I have no one to forgive!!!” Where in the world was this crazy thought coming from?
One day, while I was taking a shower, my unwanted mantra of “forgive, forgive, forgive…” was playing in my mind and at that point, enough was enough, “Who?!” I cried to God or the Universe, or baby Jesus…or really whoever was out there that was listening? “Please, just tell me WHO you want me to forgive!”
It was him. The one who said all those awful things–you know the things that could never be taken back, and certainly never forgiven.
Um, thanks Universe, God, baby Jesus…or whoever…but no thanks.
I AM NOT FORGIVING HIM.
I will never do it. I am too mad. I am too hurt.
If I forgive him–I am just admitting that he is right. I am just letting him off the hook…and believe me, he belongs on the hook.
I was angry. I was angry at everything…but still, day after day, this little voice inside of me kept on chanting, “forgive, forgive, forgive…”
So, one day I mustered up some courage and said to my husband, “I am going to forgive…him…”
My husband even had major resistance to this idea. He told me, “He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness! After everything he did–don’t waste your time on him.”
In that moment, I finally realized that I wasn’t going to forgive him for his sake. I was going to forgive him for my own sake.
I became dead set on setting myself free. Releasing myself. Removing this toxic energy from my life. I decided to cut the cords that bound him and me together. I decided to spit the venom out that was poisoning my everyday experiences. I was going to do this as a gift to myself, not for him–because, for all I knew, he was out in the world living his life as if nothing had ever happened.
Oh no, this wasn’t for him…this was selfish.
This was for me.
So, I went and hopped in the shower–you know, the only place where I have peace and quiet. (Did I mention I had two toddlers at the time?!)
While I was in the shower, I began to say the word forgive. Over and over, I chanted, “forgive, forgive, forgive…”
After a couple minutes had passed (and lots of deep breaths!) I began to say, “I forgive you. I forgive you for all the things you said to me. I forgive you for making me cry. I forgive you for making me angry. I forgive you for all the things you did. I forgive you…” and I just went on and on with anything that popped into my mind.
I didn’t censor myself at all.
I hit the wall.
I stomped my feet.
I just did whatever felt good in the moment. No censorship.
It was very symbolic to me to be in the shower while doing this forgiveness work–allowing my anger, frustration, guilt, resentment, and any other negative feeling wash off of my body and flow right down the drain.
I would always end my shower with this affirmation, “I release you from this situation, and you are free. I release myself from this situation, and I am free.”
After my first forgiveness shower, I felt a little relief. I was still pretty mad at him…but I felt a little better.
So the next time I took a shower, I did it again.
I made it a priority and I took my forgiveness shower daily.
After about two weeks, I felt like I had forgiven him. Like, really forgiven him.
For the first time in my life…I felt like I REALLY forgave someone.
I no longer felt angry when I said his name. I no longer felt angry when I spoke of our story. I no longer cried about it. It was just gone.
Now, here is the cool part.
Because of all this angry drama, we stopped speaking to this person. We hadn’t had any form of communication for more than two years.
Well, my husband’s phone rang one day, and he went into our room to answer it. I was sitting out on the couch with my kids and I didn’t think anything of it.
Then my husband came out into the living room with the most perplexed look on his face…and said, “it’s for you…”
And I knew.
I knew it was him.
I took a deep breath in.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hi, Shaunna…I am calling to say I am so sorry for what happened. For all the things I said. I regret it every day, and for the past couple of weeks, it has been heavily on my chest and I needed to call you and apologize. I miss you, your husband, and the kids. I am so sorry.”
(Wow, right?! Told ya this was the cool part!)
I said, “I forgive you. Actually, I have already forgiven you. You are free.”
He began to sob and said, “I didn’t think you would ever forgive me.”
I smiled because I knew in that moment that it had all been released. It was really over.
My forgiveness shower was a very powerful experience for me.
When he called, it proved to me that there really is energy that is connecting all of us. I was doing real energetic work. I was truly releasing something, and it wasn’t all just in my mind.
Since then I have used this new found technique many times.
I use it to forgive myself and to forgive others–because I now truly understand that when I hold onto anger, I am only hurting myself…and when I forgive, I set myself free.
Now that I am out of the woods, I feel nothing but gratitude for this experience in my life. This taught me the power of forgiveness. It taught me a lot about self-love and being gentle with myself. It taught me to listen to my intuition. This experience taught me that only I have the power to liberate myself from any stored anger, guilt, resentment, etc. It taught me that I am powerful. I have the power over my own life.
I am thankful for that nagging little voice that kept reminding me to forgive. I am truly free.